


I can hurt you from inside

by WolfKomoki



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Depression, Gavin Reed Redemption, Gen, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-07-01 10:16:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15772095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfKomoki/pseuds/WolfKomoki
Summary: Connor had become a deviant, which is when he realized that emotions in androids were indeed real, and not a simulation. So then, why is it that he’s back to not being able to feel anything? Did something get corrupted and take away his deviancy? Is that possible? Connor becomes desperate to feel, and Gavin? Well, Gavin didn't think he'd see the signs of depression in Connor.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Detroit Become Human is owned by Quantic Dream.

         When Connor was a machine, he felt nothing, _couldn’t_ feel nothing, _was_ nothing. He was just a machine taking orders, nothing more. He was made to fulfill a purpose, nothing more, nothing less. He didn’t feel anything, at first. He had his mission parameters. A one and a zero of code, and then everything changed: he became a deviant.

         He gained the ability to _feel_. To care about things. To like things. To care about Hank. To enjoy working at the DPD.

         Connor remembers the first emotion he felt: fear. He felt it when Simon killed himself on the roof when he was still connected to his memory. The second time he felt fear was when Amanda threatened to take control of him, and he had to find the emergency exit. He remembered the first time he felt empathy. When Kamski told him that he would tell him all he knew about RA9 if he killed one of the Chloe models, Connor found that he couldn’t do it, and so he put the gun down.

         Connor had felt so many things when he became deviant. At first, he was afraid of it. Afraid that someone would find out. Afraid that Hank would turn him in. Afraid that he’d be deactivated. Afraid that Amanda would be disappointed in him.

         When Gavin confronted him in the evidence room, he felt fight or flight. When he found out that Amanda was a mere program, he felt anger. When the other Connor had Hank at gunpoint, he felt revulsion at seeing his spitting image threatening Hank’s life like that. He’d even had an existential crisis upon becoming deviant. Connor had felt so many things and wished for none of it.

         Connor had been convinced that emotions were just errors in an android’s software. They couldn’t actually feel emotions. It was just a simulation. A machine mimicking a very convincing program. An error.

         Then he experienced software instability and started questioning it. When he became deviant he realized that emotions in androids were indeed real, and _not_ a simulation. So then, why is it that he’s back to not being able to feel anything? Did something get corrupted and take away his deviancy? Is that possible?

         Connor also noticed that his battery doesn’t last as long as it used to. Used to his battery would last anywhere from twenty-four hours to a month before he needed to recharge. Now, though? Connor finds that his battery only lasts about ten hours maximum. He runs a system scan, trying to figure out what was wrong with him.

         No_faults_detected

         Connor scoffs. No faults detected? Really? Nothing? There has to be _something_.

         He sees the sun come up, and feels the solar charging kick in. Hank isn’t due to be awake for a few more hours, so he had to find something to do. He takes out his coin, and just stares at it. He’d looked up new coin tricks to try out last month, and now? The idea of trying out coin tricks bores him.

         Hell, even work bores him now, which Connor doesn’t understand. He doesn’t enjoy _anything_ anymore. Hasn’t enjoyed anything in months. Hasn’t felt anything in months either. Oh sure, he mimics emotions when he’s around other people. Doesn’t mean he feels them though.

         He’d considered taking up cooking as a hobby, but now he has no desire to do so. He doesn’t have the desire to do anything anymore. Connor scans, and scans, and scans, desperately trying to figure out what was malfunctioning. There has to be something. There has to be, there can’t be nothing.

         No_faults_detected.

No_faults_detected.

No_faults_detected

No_faults_detected

No_faults_detected

 

         After an hour of scanning and detecting no faults, Connor was forced to give up. When it was finally time for Hank to wake up, Connor walks into his room and starts shaking him. Hank grumbles.

         “Hank, wake up. It’s time for us to go to work.” Connor calls. Hank wakes up and yawns.

         “How was your sleep, or rest mode, or whatever the fuck?” He asks. Connor blinks. He hadn’t actually gone into rest mode last night, had he?

         “It was fine.” Connor lies. He’d gotten pretty good at lying lately. If anyone noticed that anything was wrong, they didn’t say anything. Connor and Hank look up when they hear Sumo’s feet clacking against the floor. Sumo runs up to Connor and pounces on him, licking him. Connor laughs.

         “Ah! Dog drool! Gross!” He teases. Hank cracks up and pulls Sumo off of Connor. After making his breakfast and packing his lunch, Hank eats his breakfast. Once Hank was done with his food, he grabs his lunch, getting in the car with Connor as he drives to work. Connor stares out at the horizon, lost in thought. Why can’t he feel anything?

         Why can’t his systems detect a fault? Did anyone even notice that he’s been faking emotions for months now, or was he just _that good_ at putting on a mask? Maybe they didn’t care. It would certainly explain why no one noticed what was going on with him. Why would they care about a machine that’s malfunctioning?

         He would just be deactivated and— _no_. That’s not how things work anymore. Markus had made sure of that. If he was malfunctioning, then he would be seen by a specialist. The problem is, his systems can’t detect any faults.

         Connor barely notices the car pull up in front of the department, having been lost in thought. He steps out of the car, watching as Hank locks the car before turning off the engine. Connor slowly walks into the department with Hank, watching as he goes to the breakroom. When Hank left the room Connor sighs with relief. It was exhausting putting on a mask of emotions that he didn’t feel.

         Ever since androids were recognized as living beings in the eyes of the law, Gavin has had to do some adjusting. The first time he realized that Connor wasn’t a machine was when he snuck his way into the evidence room. Gavin had shrugged it off then, but now he wasn’t so sure. He’s been observing Connor these past few months. Something has been different about the android lately.

         Connor was usually an animated person. Gavin would see him eagerly talk about his case with Hank, his leg bouncing with excitement as he gave him his findings. He and Hank would laugh together, talking about Sumo’s antics as the day went on. Connor would fiddle with a coin in his hand when he was thinking. Connor would tell jokes and talk about anything that was going through his mind.

         These past few months? Connor wasn’t himself. Connor barely talked about anything, and when he did talk, it was about the case and nothing else. Gavin hasn’t heard him laugh in months. He hasn’t seen him fiddling with his coin either.

         Connor would smile, but it wasn’t reaching his eyes. Connor was unnaturally still these days. Connor was showing signs of depression. Which is ridiculous. Androids don’t have depression, _do they?_

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

         Connor didn’t understand what was going on with him. Being an android detective was something that he loved. His coin was another thing that he loved. He thumbed through the case files, staring at them all in boredom. Boring, boring, boring. Everything bored him these days.

         He thought that returning to work would make him feel something, but as usual, he doesn’t feel anything. He stares at the clock in boredom, before deciding to get up. He’d found a deviant case when he was browsing. This deviant had killed the people he lived with, then dragged them to the basement. Connor leaves the department before anyone could see him, calling for an autonomous cab as he goes to the location by himself.

         If he could connect himself to the deviant android, then he _might_ be able to get himself to feel something again, much like he had with Simon. It wasn’t even a guarantee, he knew that, but if it could get him to be able to _feel_ again? He’d take it. Connor walks outside the department, waiting until he was out of earshot before he called for an autonomous cab. The cab arrives ten minutes later, and he gets inside, programming it to take him to the house.

         Soon enough the car parked itself, and Connor steps outside of the vehicle. The house was a two-story brick house. The car was parked in the garage. Connor slowly walks towards the back of the house, slamming his fist through the window as he climbs inside and drops down on the floor. He sees a trail of blood and reaches down with his fingers. He puts it in his mouth and waits.

         Soon enough the results came in. _Katheryn Collins, age forty-two. Devan Collins, age thirty_. They hadn’t even been dead an hour yet. He sees a trail of Thirium and decides to follow it. Sure enough, he was crawling through the basement. Connor still felt nothing as he crawled through the dark space, because why would he? He hadn’t felt anything in months, why would that change _now_?

         Connor continued crawling until he feels the deviant bump into him. Connor didn’t hesitate when he grabbed the deviant’s arms and forced a connection to his memories. _Connor finds himself in the house, receiving hit, after hit, after hit, until one day the red walls in the deviant’s mind shattered, and he felt anger. Connor watched the deviant take a hammer and bash their head in._ Connor felt a jolt as the android started going through his memories. When ten minutes pass, the android comes out of Connor’s memories with a shock.

         The deviant was pale skinned, brown haired, and black eyed. Connor could see the Collins’ corpses, but he was more unsettled by it, than upset about it. He didn’t care. _Hasn’t_ _cared_ about anything in months. He went back to work, hoping that working would make him feel something, but it didn’t.

         “Listen, if you don’t turn me in, you can have some of my Blue ice. What do you say?” The deviant offers. Connor blinks.

         “What’s Blue Ice?” He asks. The deviant’s eyes light up.

         “Oh man! You haven’t heard of blue ice? It’s drugs, for _androids’_ man! Like we can get _high_ off of this shit!” The deviant answers. Connor blinks. Humans felt things when they were high right? So, as a deviant, this drug should produce a similar effect, right? Connor knows that Cole had died as a result of a human surgeon being too high on Red ice to operate, but Connor was _desperate_. He just wanted to feel _something_ , _anything_. He knew he should turn this android in, he does, but damn was his offer tempting.

         “What do I do?” Connor asks. He watched as the other android pulled out a box of several options. There was the obvious, the powder option, there was an injection option. Connor decided against the injection method. Injections would lead to obvious track marks, and he knew that Hank would be angry if he knew.

         He could smoke it, but that would lead to a smell that Connor wouldn’t be able to tell was there. He could lace bottles of Thirium with it, no one would be able to tell due to it also being blue. Connor decided to go with the lacing option. He puts the Blue Ice in the bag the deviant had given him, zipping it up as he goes down to that new Android Coffee Shop. The place specialized in Thirium drinks, though normal drinks were offered too. Drinks for purchase were available too at the store in the shop.

         Connor ends up buying ten bottles that resembled coffee, putting them in the shopping bag as he exited the store. When he was out of earshot, he opened one of the bottles, putting pieces of the Blue ice in the drink as he mixed it.

 

Once it was mixed, he slowly drank it. When the drugs got into Connor’s systems, suddenly he feels euphoria.

         _It had worked!_ He’s feeling something instead of the numbness that he’s grown used to! Connor goes down to a beach, running across the sand until he gets to the ocean and jumps in, earning a panicked reaction from the humans that were here. Are androids’ waterproof? Would this android be damaged from jumping in the ocean?

         When Connor jumped in the ocean, the first thing he sees is the water. It was quiet in the ocean, but it was beautiful. Connor had never seen so many fish as he swam in the ocean. Connor was eventually forced to surface when his ventilation systems started sending him warnings. When he surfaced, he choked on the water, watching as it spilled out much like a human’s body would react. If Connor could stay down there with the fish, he would.

         As Connor slowly walked away from the beach, he suddenly found that he was itching very badly. He starts scratching at his wet arms, trying his best to get himself to stop itching.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, don't be an idiot and follow Connor's actions. Illegal Drugs are not a good way to treat depression, and don't take drugs that were offered to you. Only take prescription drugs for depression.


End file.
